Search:

Unshakable Interconnectedness of the Oromo Society, as Confirmed by Marriage Traditions - Part B

[ Posted On: 2008-06-23 ]

4.1.3.4 Divorce counseling

i) Community attitude towards divorce

The community of the study area has their own understanding and viewpoint regarding divorce. According to my informants, divorce is not an accepted and acknowledged practice unless causes are forcing to. Hence, couples exhaust every possible solution either themselves or by the help of others to save marriage from breaking. Tolerance and endurance are key precepts in the life philosophy of the people, not only in marriage. One Informant says, the Oromo believe that opsaan aannan goromsaa dhuga. This is to mean, only a tolerant can drink a heifer’s milk, i.e., better later than never. It shows the positive outcomes of tolerance. This does not mean every problem should be tolerated. If it is thought it can have negative consequences, other means’s are looked for, like divorce, in the case of marriage, as one last resort (Informants5,7).

Still to another informant, (2),

there is no predestined rule regarding reasons which lead to divorce as a must. If the person is ready to show behavioral change and admit his fault, forgiving and agreement is preferred. However, if it continues, and do not show positive changes, as elders, we take care in handling the case. For example if the husband is drunker and beat his wife frequently, we do not enforce her to tolerate, rather we guide her to processes divorce to save her life, otherwise it may risk her life.

Others add,

erga wajjin jiraachuun balaa qabatee, wal hiikuun akkuma araaraatti ilaalama. Hiikuunis dubbii hiika, araaruma.

That is, f it is apparent and evident that living together damages either partner or both, divorce is the right decision and considered as agreement. At least one has to agree to disagree. If the divorce case is processed in the right way, the couple see each other as brother and sister after divorce.

In the case of divorce, the couple seek advice and relevant information about customary laws, and other important issues from family, friends and community elders. However, the decision to divorce or not to divorce is that of the couple. The informants unanimously agree as saying, bultii namaatti murteessuun cubbuu dha, daabas namatti ta’a That is, no one can push the couple for divorce as the only alternative. To do so, it is cubbuu, sin, and sin-to-inherit to one’s children. That inflicts God’s wrath unto us (Informants 4,5,6,16).

ii) Steps in divorce counseling

Step 1: Counseling before divorce

Individuals consult the traditional counselor when they decide divorce to be a final resort. At first, the counselor asks the client why he/she thinks divorce to be one final option, if the case is new and not repeated. If the counselor already knows the case and had dealt with it previously, the discussion starts with the client’s presentation of his/her plan.

According to the informants divorce should be the last choice after exhausting every possible solution: Ni araarsina jenna malee, addaan hiikna hinjennu, which means, we deal with the case to create agreement and save the marriage, but not to break.

Informant 5 says,

I advise not to decide quickly. I advise as saying, lama bulaa, sadii bulaa, irratti ilaalaa. Take time, think about the benefits and consequences of divorce, think about the fate of children etc. I use this as first step because individuals may decide emotionally rather than reasonably looking at the problem, and before exhausting possible solutions. Sometimes individuals may decide to divorce just to harm a partner not because of the intensity of their problem. Through carefully handling such cases, I have saved many marriages from break. That is why I stress it even though the decision is basically of the clients.

Another informant (IV) states,

divorce has time: addaan bahuunis yeroo itti miidhagu qaba. Erguma soddaa argatanii, akaakayyuu ta’anitti namarraa hinbareedus, fayidaas hinqabu.

It shows the badness of divorce at old age. The community elder adds, bidden baakahe jedhanii dhiisuun, tokko afaan godhataniiti malee, nyaatani fixaniitii miti.

That is, one can say this food is stale at the first taste, not after one has eaten his fill. Such a judgment is not fair, not judicious, either. So much so, lived together for a long age, now grand parents, to say the partner is weak is itself deficient.

Step 2: On-divorce counseling

Once the couple decided to divorce, community elders continue advising. The issues stressed are: briefing what customary laws say about divorce, the worth of peaceful divorce, how to ask their right in peaceful way and ways of emotion regulation.

CII described the content of divorce counseling at this stage as follows:

Odoo baasi wal hinbaasisin, odoo jibbi hinbaayyatin, hoo deemtes hoo teechees isin obolahaa waliiti. Kanaafuu, waan wajjin xaarrattani horattan hirattaniitoo, nagahaa walitti dhiifattaniitoo, waaliigaltee godhachuutu isinirra eeggama. Yoo kana ta’e, jaarsi biyyaa dhirsaaf nituummaa keesaan gara seera isinii barreessa.

The couples are advised to agree according to the customary law regarding their property, to forgive each other and promise to see each other as brother and sister. Not to hold a grudge and think of a revenge. If the couples agree, community elders will write a letter to the court stating that the couple have a serious case that the two persisted to resolve by divorce.

Step 3: Post-divorce counseling

After divorce the traditional counselor helps the divorcee for future adjustment, to overcome the emotional disturbances which result from divorce and, generally, in any aspect they taught the client need help (Informants 2,5,18).

In what follows, cases are presented to the researcher by divorcees and traditional counselors. The cases help to see areas of stress, strength and weakness of post-divorce counseling.

Case I. This client has divorced before two years. The reason of her divorce is that she is infertile. But she is a hardworking woman. She lived with her husband for ten years. Finally, her husband told her that he needs to have a child and need to marry another woman. And he divorced her. She presented the case as follows:

After divorce my feeling was so bad. I was almost mad. I lost my home and all. In addition, he abused my property. The community elders could not solve our case because he was not cooperative. They sent us to court. The case took long time and the justice did not prevail to my satisfaction. My mother died when I was a child, I did not have friends. I did not have any body around, except my father. Therefore, I was in problem. When he realized my condition, my father consulted one well-known community elder to advise me. It is after her advice and help I showed progress. She told me many facts from her relative experience, that being fertile is not by will or did, it is by ‘Waaqaa’. She told me about fertile women who do not get chance of nurturing rearing their children; sometimes the mother die, sometimes the child. To think of parents who are disappointed by their children bad behavior. Therefore, God has plan for every thing. He knows why he did this. Finally, she told me that I could marry man who does not need children if I need to marry. She stressed on advising me not to loss my positive behaviors by staying in regret and sorrow.

Case II: The two have lived together for long time. They have seven children and grandchildren. After this long time of marital relation, they decided to divorce. The problem relates to sexual affair. The wife needs to quite it while the husband not. He narrates the cause of the conflict as follows:

My wife informed me that she does not want sex any more. She told me that our children said this to her. They warned her to stop giving birth and sex, because we are old enough. She decided accordingly. I was not consulted for the decision. I was against their decision but she refused. Then I started extramarital relationship. Now she became upset and asked for divorce. The counselor tried to convince her to go to clinic and use contraceptives, if that is really case. She said, "I do not need to disappoint my children. Once he started such relation I need divorce and living with my children peacefully".

They did divorce, the Informants sadly says, after divorce, she was happy, but the was not. His family disappointed him. After divorce, he consulted community elders about his future. Community elder presented the post-divorce help offered to him as follows:

In rural areas, it is difficult to stay single for a man. Remarriage is important. He also knows this. His fear was how the new wife could live with the children and previous wife in the compound. His fear was right. If the divorce was before their children marry and start independent living in the compound, after divorce, the wife, go to her parent, in most cases with children. However, this is not the case. After divorce, both husband and wife stay in the same compound but in separate house. If Y brings another woman there, she may not agree with the other family. Then I advised him to live his ‘qehee’ and arrange another place possibly in the nearby town and manage his property. It was difficult for him. He considered it as shame. Finally he accepted my idea and found it useful".

Case III: This woman has divorced because she was not happy with her husband. On the one hand, her husband has love for her. Before divorce, she frequently left her home because of the same problem. Her father and community leaders advised her many times not to live her home, worth of marriage life and related issue. She returned back just in fear of them, not to break ‘saafu’. However, she could not bear the problem and finally asked for divorce. Community elders asked her why saying, your husband is hard working, he loves you, and his family accepted you, what is your problem? If you thought to have another better life ignoring his love, it will affect you. His love could be ‘daaba’ for you.

This time she decided to tell her problem to this Informant, a traditional counselor saying, Midhaanuu yoo namatti mi’ahee nyaatanii, annimoo inni naaf hintaane. Her problem relates to lack of sexual compatibility. The community elders did not accept her reason. It is not common and acceptable for women to complain sexual affairs. If the husband is happy, wife is expected to tolerate. Finally, the divorce is processed even though it is based on her will, no body except herself believed in the divorce as the only solution. Now she divorced for about four year. She lives alone with her eight years old son. Nobody helped her after divorce. Feeling humiliation, she leaved the area. She said, "Every body including the community elders opposed me. But I decided and took the risk. If my mother were alive, she might understand me better, or she would not do me harm like others: Gorsa miti, lolli hadha ofii nama fayyadaa. Now I am not happy with my life. I feel lonely. Everybody considers me as prostitute. On holidays I feel bad. My friends advise me to marry. I have fear. I know, I can make it. My problem is the issue of my child. I do not want to expose him to a stepfather. I Know what my stepmother did to me. Sometimes I say, let me marry, soon I change my mind. I am confused.

From the three cases presented above, it is evident that pre-divorce and on-divorce counseling is highly emphasized and effectively offered for every counselee irrespective of their background. However, it is observable that post-divorce counseling is offered only for those clients who are not against the culture and norms of the society. Those who violate the safuu and the existing norm are viewed as deviant.

Article Source: http://www.afroarticles.com/article-dashboard

About The Author: Dr. Muhammad Shamsaddin Megalommatis - is Orientalist, Assyriologist, Egyptologist, Iranologist, Islamologist, Historian and Political Scientist. Dr. Megalommatis, 51, is the author of 12 books, dozens of scholarly articles, hundreds of encyclopedia entries, and thousands of articles. He speaks, reads and writes more than 15, modern and ancient, languages.

| View Profile & All Articles By: Muhammad Shamsaddin Megalommatis |

		Post Comment
		Blog This Article!
		Discuss Article in Forum(s)
		Publication \| Reprint Terms

Please Rate this Article

Not yet Rated

Click the XML Icon Above to Receive Marriage Articles Via RSS!

| Category Feeds | All-in-one Feed | Other Feed & Syndication Options |

Additional Articles From - Home | Society & Culture | Marriage

	Print This Article
	Post Comment
	Add To Favorites
	Email To Friends
	Ezine Ready \| Syndication
	Make PDF Article
	Post To del.icio.us
	Post To Furl
	Add To Google Bookmarks
	Submit To Netscape

	Add To Yahoo! My Web
	Add Main Feed To Outlook
	Post to BookMarks @ AfroArticles.com

	Post To BookMarkAfrica.com

Site Home

Article Categories

More Search Options

Site Map

Submit Articles

Top Authors

Most Recent Articles